Disclaimer: I do not claim to be strictly following books and/or the proceedings of the TV series. Its just a one shot for the fun of it, and to elaborate on themes that I find of particular worth and interest.
Sansa opened her eyes and waited for her vision to adjust to the darkness of her surroundings. Yes, she was still among the Lannisters, still a pawn in their game, still a prisoner in their chambers. The canopy bed was a pretty cage for a bird too weak to fly.
She could hardly move, hardly keep her eyes open. She had to be deathly ill, but her memory was failing her as to how this had come about. What had happened? She could not recall.
But as she ran her hand over the blanket, she felt the heartiness of fur…northern fur from home. And tucked under her arm she felt a small porcelain face, and arms and legs, and a tiny dress…the doll from her dream. Had some magic brought it to reality, or was it a gift from her father’s ghost? She could easily imagine Eddard Stark caring enough for his daughter’s feelings that he would make a visit to the land of the living just to assure that his doll was in her embrace.
She remembered the day he had brought it home, and how she had spurned it as childish. Now…it made her feel loved as nothing else could. She had dreamt of being a mother of little children once, of cradling babies and singing to them as her mother had sung to her. She remembered the lullabies about the seven gods who would never allow harm to befall little children, and how her faith in them, along with her innocent expectations for the future, had been shattered like porcelain…
Sansa started as she picked up the sound of breathing not far away. Her chest tightened. She was not alone. She peered into the dark and saw a blurred, hunched shape near the curtain. She spit words out, “What…what…are you?”
“It’s alright, Lady Sansa, it’s only…” Tyrion paused, clearing his throat.
She fell back against the pillow. “What happened…to make me like this?”
“You…you came down with an illness,” he answered carefully.
“Natural or unnatural?”
She heard him draw in a tight breath. “Given my excellence in the art of retribution, I do not believe anyone would be particularly eager to poison my wife.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
He sighed heavily. “I don’t know the answer. But…you’ll be alright now. The worst is past. The physician said that if the fever broke, you would recover. And it has.”
She nestled her head deeper against her pillow. “How long have I been like this?”
“Almost three days now.”
“How long…have you been here…in the dark? Why did you not…light a candle?”
“I…did not wish to disconcert you, should you awaken,” he explained. “Besides, there is something comforting about…the dark. For me, at least.”
She felt rather sorry that his words rang so true. For once, she was talking to him without having to face up to his disfigured appearance. And, in truth, it was easier.
“Tyrion, I heard prayers being said for me. Who was saying them?”
“The priests were sent by my father to beseech the intersession of the gods for your recovery,” he stated, but his voice contained a certain edge in it.
“You’re father hates me,” she blurted.
“He has no particular fondness for me either,” he admitted. “So…I chased his priests out of here, and his servants too.”
Sansa allowed herself a small smile. He might be only half her height, but his temper was enormous. Then she grew solemn again, thinking hard.
“But there was someone else who prayed for me. It was in a broken voice, and I could not make out the words…but they were not recited, nor meaningless.”
He shifted in his chair, uncomfortably.
“It was you, wasn’t it?”
“Why should a creature like myself ask anything of the gods?” he shot back. “They do not seem to have granted me any particular considerations.”
“But you did, all the same.” She exhaled. “Which of the seven did you pray to? The Maiden? The Mother? The Crone? Or another?”
Sansa squinted. “But his nature is unknown to us.”
“So they say,” he conceded. “But I am not a praying man, and hardly a man at all. My only chance was to pray to the one they say we do not know, but we really know all too well. We see him every day, Sansa, in every vagabond and harlot and bastard born in the street, in the baited bear and circus freak and crippled child, and in all eyes that mirror pain.”
The thin finger of dawn stretched itself through her window, and she could make out his own dark eyes in the shadows. They were tired, and moist.
He swallowed hard. “Perhaps a day will come when he will come among us in his fullness, and we will be sure to reject him, for he will be the stranger still, and I doubt we will have grown much wiser than we are now. But in this age…the shadows are all we have, and I have spoken to them, and asked…asked that you be brought back.”
“Why, Tyrion?” she asked dejectedly. “I wanted…wanted death…I wanted to go to the halls of the dead and find my family…”
“Your family would want you to live. And I…” His voice cracked.
She glanced towards the nearby stool, and saw a bowl of water and rags. “It was you with the water, wasn’t it?”
“Someone had to stay with you, and I did not trust the others.”
“And the fur covering? And the doll?”
“You asked…to go home, over and over again, during the fever,” he muttered, trying to make it sound unimportant, although she noticed a tremor in his voice. “I found both those items in your chest.” He gestured to the corner of the room.
“So you gave them to me?”
“I thought they might soothe you. Make you think that you were…where you wished to be, at least for a little while. I believe…I did right…?” His statement accidentally turned up at the end like a question.
He nodded in return. Then he slowly slid down from the chair, still struggling to keep away from the light of the window. He stifled a small gasp.
“Does it hurt, Tyrion?”
“Being dwarfed…does it cause you pain?”
She knew that she had shamed him into silence. Trapped inside a stunted frame was a complex man of pride and of wit and cunning. And of secrets.
“Not…often,” he replied at last. “But sometimes. Twisted bones…are what they are.”
“Do you take anything for it?”
“Wine is always helpful for numbing sensitivities…”
He smirked. “Touché.”
“But…does it hurt now?”
“You should not have stayed in that chair so long.”
He chortled. “That…that is one of the reasons I need you, Sansa. You get me to speak of things…I never would with anyone else.” He paused, then came a little closer, and she saw his face in the light for the first time in their conversation. He was daring to risk it now, to see how she would react. “I…I need you to stay, Sansa. That is why I asked the Stranger to lead you back from the shadow-lands. I thought…he would know…know what it was like to be…alone.”
She looked at him deeply, trying hard to find something which she could love in that face. His eyes…yes…she could love those pain-filled stranger’s eyes.
“Have you always been alone…in your heart?”
The question caused him to wince, as if it had just sent a blade through his ribs. “You mean have I ever loved, beyond nights with tavern hussies?”
She turned her eyes down, embarrassed. “You do not have to answer that if you would rather not.”
“No,” he croaked. “You should…know. It’s a rather amusing story, actually. I…I did fall quite enamored once…It would have made you laugh to watch, Sansa, my strutting about like love-sick peacock…all but forgetting that…” He shivered. “It was all a game. I suppose I always knew it was. She was a beautiful cat, and I was her hideous little mouse. But I wanted it so very much…”
Sansa knew what that was like. She had wanted Joffrey’s prattled promises of love to be true as well. She would have sacrificed anything or anyone to make them so. She would have lived in a cloud of denial forever if he had allowed her to…but then he pulled her world down around her and let the mask slide.
“Did your lady go off with another or…?”
“She was being paid,” he spat. “Paid to keep company with me, paid to bare up with the sight of me…paid even to let me think that I had saved her virtue from attackers. Oh, it was an admirably well-laid plan.”
“But why? Why would anyone…?”
“To watch the folly of a dwarf in love,” he answered with a wry laugh, “and to teach me to be…a true Lannister. And a Lannister must slay his own heart, and harden it, until it turns black. So they had me watch…watch her…make love to other men…and speak the truth of what she thought of me…in front of them…”
Sansa gasped. It was an unfeigned reaction at the thought of another human being’s suffering.
She heard Tyrion swallow hard. “You need not pity me for my lost innocence,” he assured her, though his words were taut with concealed agony. “It…had to happen. I can protect myself now, you see. I have grown too clever to be deceived, and…no one can hurt my heart, because it can hardly feel anything anymore…” His sentence ended with a tired cough.
He lies, she thought to herself. By all the gods, he lies. He feels too much…
“You need to sleep, Tyrion,” she whispered.
“I’m quite alright,” he countered, but his shaken tone belied this. “I really should…stay here. You might need something, and there are no servants on call.”
She thought for a moment, and then edged herself to the far side of the bed.
“What are you doing?”
“This bed is wide enough for at least three people. We can each use part of it.”
“Because I can’t, I can’t…” His tone rose in frustration.
She knew what was wrong. She was his wife by arrangement, and yet she would not embrace him as a wife. And he swore never to force her. And now she was rather innocently offering him…this. A mock representation of what she would not give him. Yet she would never lie to him about her feelings, and she knew that deep inside, he respected her for that.
“I am sorry, Tyrion.”
He shook his head. “It’s not…your fault.”
“I just…don’t want you to be in pain. And you are exhausted. And I know you would feel better if you would…lay down.”
He gazed into her eyes, and then down at the bed with a certain sense of longing. Then he let his hand run along the fur he had placed over her, and gradually allowed himself to ease under the covers. It was a very large bed, and he was suitably distant from his lady for their strange protocol to be maintained. It also showed just how small he really was, as he seemed lost in the mattress and pillow. But Sansa did not laugh.
“Are not all our efforts to trick death ultimately purposeless?” she queried. “I mean, we all must die. We are fighting so very hard for merely stays of pardon.”
“We become skilled players at our petty games,” he explained. “It becomes an entertainment, an art form, a security. To win is to have power, however temporary, and to have power is to…” He paused again. “We get used to the feel of it, that’s all.”
“Is that all?”
He sighed. “No, not all. I suppose we keep going because…we keep hoping that…”
“That there is something worth living for left?” she finished.
“It is a vain hope, but…perhaps.”
Sansa closed her eyes to the broadening beam of light, washing over the blankets. “In my dreams between life and death, I saw nothing worth living for left to be had.”
“Failing anything substantial, some people find vengeance a safe haven when such thoughts of defeat assail them,” he offered. “Hate can have the power to keep one alive.”
“Not really alive,” she whispered, more to herself than anyone. “Breathing, but not…really alive. I have already tried to draw strength from hatred, but without something more to stem its tide, it would kill me. Just as surely as any poison.”
“Please don’t say that,” he rasped. “I told you, you must not give into such talk…you’ll be fine.”
“Fine?” she repeated blearily, and touched her leg. “I heard someone say…say I might never walk again…indeed, that my lower body might be useless, that my womanhood is undone…”
“It was just a lie from my father’s physician. Ignore it. You will grow strong again.” He inhaled and added slowly, “And even if it were true, about your womanhood…which it isn’t, mind you, but even if it were…it is not as if we had plans in that direction anyway. But you would still be a flower among woman, Sansa, through and through. Nothing could ever detract from that.”
She opened her eyes again, and the sunlight blazed into them. It hurt, but also refreshed. And she looked at Tyrion. “They wanted to take me out of here, didn’t they? To put me away, in some chamber where no one would find me, and let me die naturally that way, like a flower without water, for they have found me useless in their game now. But…that’s really why you sent them away, wasn’t it?”
He didn’t answer. And she knew it was true.
“You are my lady,” he stated in a voice that resonated resolve. “If there is any manhood in me at all, it must be shown to this end. When we were wed, shambles as it may have been, I vowed to care for you and protect you and show you…” He searched his mind for a word. “Whatever qualities were worth showing…from this miserable, blackened heart of mine.”
It is not blackened, she thought. Bruised and broken and embittered in parts, but not blackened. It is far closer to a knight’s heart, even with all its faults accounted for…
“There is an old dream of mine that I thought long dead,” she whispered. “But I have found it still has a heart beating. It showed itself alive, not as I thought it would, but…concealed, like the Stranger, in the smallest of things…in water, and a fur covering, and a doll, and a prayer. They have been the difference between light and shadow to me. They have given me a home, inside, to come back to even when there is no other light to guide me. That…that is what I will always remember of you, Tyrion.”
She heard a click deep in Tyrion’s throat. “I…am glad, Sansa.”
She let herself smile softly. “So am I.”